I spent the morning perusing through journal entries, received text messages and sent text messages all involving former lovers of mine. I couldn’t help but notice that all the same words and thoughts kept jumping out. In the midst of a breakup I’d write the same things. I’d tell the woman she was the best thing that happened to me, she brought me light when there was darkness, I’d love her forever, she showed me something that I’ve never felt, we’d make a beautiful family, etc.

Part of me wonders if all those words were bullshit. Did I really mean those words if I’m telling the same thing to another woman a year later? I’d like to think in the moment that I meant those words, but now I don’t really know. That thought troubles me. It’s no question that I have attachment issues, mommy issues and addiction issues. I’ve always felt there’s been a void that needs to be filled in my heart and once that hole is filled I’ll do anything to keep it around.

I’m addicted to a woman’s love. I’d addicted to a woman’s sweet words. I’m addicted to long winded voice messages. I’m addicted to good morning and good night text messages. I’d addicted to knowing that a woman craves me sexually. I’m addicted to the idea of starting and raising a picturesque family.

I’ve always dreamed of creating something I never had and if I get a sliver of that I’ll try to maintain it even when it’s falling apart. That’s probably my greatest flaw. I find love in the wrong places and despite how impossible the circumstances are, I’ll continue fighting through the obstacles because I’m so afraid that it won’t come around again. But that’s completely asinine because it does come around again. Other women enter my life and offer the same things I’ve been searching for and yet when things don’t work out I let the same things happen. My stubborn, ignorant ass just can’t let go. I’ve forced every girl that I’ve been in a relationship with to end things because I know I’ll come cowering back and plead with them that I am what they need. That needs to stop immediately.

I know my friends and family are tired of hearing the same things from me. One day I’m down and separated, the next day I’m happy and back together. I myself am tired of the rollercoaster of emotions I put myself through trying to make things work when all signs point to the opposite.

The question now is where to go from here? What must I do to prevent the same things from happening? How do I properly love a woman when another enters my life? These are all questions that I’ve asked myself throughout my entire life. I just hope and pray I learn my lesson this time. Because this shit is draining.